March 21, 2013

A new fusion recipe comes from discussing our new food vocabulary in the fourth grade. He said this while holding onto my shoulders and looking straight into my eyes as though this were a matter of national security

Boy: What if we put cheese and meat together and made a smoothie?
Me: Umm, I don't know about that.

Kindergarten discussions...

Girl: Miss...umm...Miss...mucho calor!
Me:  Did you just call me Miss Mucho Calor? Miss Very Hot?
Girl: Yea!

Girl 1: She's a cheerleader.
Me: Cool.
Boy: She's not a cheerleader. She's too old.
Girl 2: I'm 6.

As I listened to some fourth grade boys trying to define unknown words for their reading teacher I determined that having kids define words is like the scene in Anchorman where Ron Burgendy says that diversity is a very old wooden ship.

March 20, 2013

I've started a new vocabulary unit with my third, fourth, and fifth graders. The unit is about food and on the first day they have to answer a few questions including trying to guess my favorite food.

4th Grade Boy: Have you ever eaten human flesh?
Me: No. Why would I have eaten that? I mean, I suppose if someone prepared it for me and didn't tell me. But I'm pretty sure I haven't eaten human flesh.

Boy (I forget his grade): You don't like milk?
Me: Nope.
Boy: My brother's going to kill you.
Me: That seems a bit much.

Dismissal time...

M: Ladies don't go first anymore!
Me: Really? I hadn't heard that.

Girl: Why are there so many people who know who I am?
Me: It's because of your sister. They know who she is. You're famous.
Girl: I'm not famous! My house is small!

Unfortunately, I didn't get to see this last one but the computer teacher told me about it. An older student was typing up a story and wanted to use the word Caucasian. In most sensical languages, you could sound it out phonetically and be good to go. But English is a non-sensical language which explains why she typed cock-asian.

It's Not All Hilarious Quotes

There wasn't much to report yesterday...at least not much from kids. The most important things I took away from yesterday were:

• Our school has made the most copies so far this year (I assume that's out of all the schools in the district). As of yesterday we were at 1,027,675 copies! Obviously we talked about reducing that number. But at the end of the day, we're still #1 at something!
• I would like to add that I have only used 14,712 of my alotted 23,000 copies. And I have over 600 students. I'm not trying to brag or anything...oh wait, yes I am. We were never given our copy totals at my old school. I'm sure that would've been something to see! I only had 175ish students but I know I made a lot of copies. I also remember getting the copier code of the guy in charge of all the copiers so that I could use any machine in the building. So any total they gave me would be inaccurate anyway.
• We did the Harlem Shake at the faculty meeting. It was planned for the faculty meeting several weeks ago (you know, back when the Harlem Shake was the viral video de jour) but we had a variety of conflicts so it had to wait until this week. I'm sure the kids will enjoy it. Kids are never very concerned with what's hot and what's not. I mean, half these kids still talk about Gangham Style. Is that how you spell that? I'm not sure and I don't care to find out because that's how little I care about it.
• There's this thing called the Tell Survey. It's an anonymous online survey about your school. We're not obligated to fill it out, but obviously it is encouraged so that the powers that be can get [hopefully] honest feedback and make improvements. There are various incentives for schools with 100% completion and our principal added (in my mind) the best incentive of them all: Jeans Day every day until Spring Break (March 29th). That means that we could've had two weeks of nothing but jeans. I say could've because some people haven't taken the flipping survey yet! We're only missing two teachers and I'm ready to hunt them down and force them to complete the survey. Who doesn't want to wear jeans? Jeans are amazing. These people are ruining it for everyone! I even sent around an email (and announced at the faculty meeting) that you don't want to get between me and jeans.

March 18, 2013

I'm not sure why but the quotes got crazier as the day went on!

Dressing up Rana in kindergarten...

Girl: Miss Black, do you like my outfit for Rana?
Me: Yes, I do!
Girl: I'm very fashionable.

Boy: Miss Black, look I drew funder (thunder)
Me: Oh wow, I see where you drew lightning.
Boy: Funder means, when you see funder you go back inside.

One of my favorite kids to talk with is a first grade boy who has the best non-sequiters I've ever heard in my entire life. I'm going to omit my responses because they were mostly things like "Mm-hmm" and "Oh, wow". Now, this is only PART of our conversation...

Boy: Miss Black, do you know what I figured out what I'm going to get you? What's your birthstone?
Me: Aquamarine.
Boy: I'm going to get you a birthstone. And you know what? I can probably get it for free because my friend is a jewelry designer and I can just have him design it for you. With diamonds. I just want to get that for you. Mine is garnet and I like October's birthstone because it's see-through. And I want to go to the Phillippines and Ecuador. I have history in Ecuador. And one day I'll just move and live in a whole different continent. You know where? England. And then I'll live in Scotland. My family is coming with me. You know what, I'm Scot-Irish. And guess how many girlfriends I've had in my whole life? Four. That's more than half my life. Some of them cheated on me. I'm going to get married when I'm 16. And once I'm married I promise I won't get divorced.
Me: Good luck with that. Can I be in the wedding? Can I be the preacher?
Boy: How about the flower girl?
Me: Awesome! I was a flower girl a few years ago, so I have experience!
Boy: Is there anything more important you'd like to be? And how about if you're married by then your husband can be the guy who carries the rings? I'm worried about my uncle, he lives on a bad street with lots of robbers and murders. And I want to see him except without my dad's dad because he's evil. And I know way too much about the Republic and this country's history and voting. I know too much about Democrats and Republicans. I would be with the Democrats, which one are you with?
Me: Democrats.
Boy: Good. Because I didn't vote for Mitt Romney. How old do you have to be to vote?
Me: 18.
Boy: What?! Really? What if you're married?
Me: It's still 18.
Boy: I know way too much martial arts.

Kindergarten Dismissal...

M: I'm acting like a girl because there's a muffin on my backpack.
Me: A muffin?
Girl 1: Muffin? Oh yea, he had a muffin.
M: How cute is your boyfriend?
Me: Very cute. Why are you acting crazy?
M: I have a switch on my backpack that makes me do it. Why are there always 3 girls and only 1 boy here?
Me: Because you're the only kindergarten boy who is a back door walker.
M: Are you kidding me?
Me: You know I never kid you, M. Girl 1, what are you doing to her?
Girl 2: She's buttoning my coat.
Me: Is she like your mom?
Girl 1: I am like her mom. I'm taking care of her (smoothing out her hair). I'm teaching her how to learn.

Playing Catch Up

I've gotten behind on my student quotes post and I don't even feel bad about it because I spent last week celebrating my birthday!

March 12, 2013     A first grade boy discusses my birthday...

Boy: Happy Birthday! Guess what? I didn't get you anything purposely. I knew it was your birthday but I didn't get you anything.

Me: I can't believe it!

Boy: Maybe I could get you something to help teach your class. Like, where do you get the clothes for Rana?

Me: You don't have to get me anything, Sweetie.

Boy: I know what I'm going to get you and it's already at my house. It's my tooth that had the really long root. It's like this long. (He holds up his fingers, apparently the root is about an inch long)

Me: Well, wow...you should keep that.

Boy: How about these two wiggly teeth. (He starts wiggling his teeth)

Me: You really don't have to get me anything. Really.

March 13, 2013     A kindergarten girl discovered something...

Girl: Miss Black, do you know Justin Bieber is real? My mom told me.
Me: Yes, I did know that.

March 13, 2013     Jay-Z and I discuss his artwork...

Jay-Z: Miss Black, look! I drew Harriet (the class's new pet guinea pig). Those are echo lines.
Me: Oh, wow. That's a lot of echo lines.
Jay-Z: Yea, she's in a cave of mystery.

March 13, 2013     A fifth grade boy explains the additions he made to his drawing of Rana...

Boy: You know how some people have red in their eyes?

Me: Yea, I guess.

Boy: He just had eye surgery.

March 13, 2013     M explains his current feelings towards the opposite sex...

M: I wish girls were extinct!

Me: You won't always feel that way.

March 14, 2013     A kindergarten girl adds a seasonal touch to her drawing of Rana...

Girl: I'm going to draw the Clover Man.

Me: Do you mean a leprechaun?

Girl: Yes.

Me: That's a great idea!

March 14, 2013     A kindergarten girl brings me a belated birthday present...

Girl: I have a picture!

Me: You have a picture? Cool!

Girl: It's for your birthday.

A Teacher By Any Other Name

Here's a list of all the various names I have been called this year:

• Miss Señorita Black
• Miss Sintorita Black
• Black
• Spanish
• Spanish Teacher
• Miss Spanish
• Mochila (which means backpack)
• Hola Teacher
• Hola Amigo

I'm most often referred to as Miss Señorita Black; even by the native speakers. It's hilarious because they're basically calling me Miss Miss Black. Whatever, I'm cool with it.

March 11, 2013

I found out that I share my birthday with several students. I saw one of them (a first grade girl) in the hall last week and here's what happened...

Me: Hey, it's almost our birthday!
Girl: It's almost my birthday.
Me: Remember, we have the same birthday?
Girl: Oh yea. We're sisters...step sisters.

Fifth grade TV preferences...

Girl: I hate that show Finding Bigfoot.
Boy: I want to go on that show in a Bigfoot costume and just jump out and be like, "Ahhh!" so then they couldn't have the show anymore because they found Bigfoot.

Dismissal time with kindergarteners...

M: How do I always end up here (at the end of the line)?
Me: Maybe because you're a gentleman and you let these two ladies go first.
M: I don't want to let ladies go first. I wish them two were mans. And I wish you were a man.
Girl: I remember tomorrow is your birthday and I still didn't forgot what to get you.

September 26, 2012

5th Grade Girl: Why are you so small? (she asked as she looked me up and down)
Me: I don't know.

September 21, 2012

Kindergarten Boy: You're wearing Sperry's!

September 10, 2012     A question from a kindergartener...

Boy: Black, I have a question.
Me: What is it?
Boy: Table 1 is winning.
Me: That's not a question, but OK. I think all the tables are doing a great job.
(Then he went and told the teacher's assistant that he thinks I'm beautiful)

September 10, 2012     Fashion advice from a fourth grader...

Boy: If your shoes were red, the outfit you're wearing would be beautiful.
(I glanced down and realized that he had a point)

March 8, 2013

I can't believe I forgot these two gems from yesterday!

5th Grade Girl: Do you have a husband?
Me: No.
Girl: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Yes.
Girl: Have you ever thought about marrying him?
Me: Well we've only been dating for 2 months, so that would be a little bit crazy.
Girl: Yea it would!

3rd Grade Boy: So hace fresco means it's sorta hot and sorta cold?
Me: Yea, like in the Spring or Fall.
Boy: So in this one I can draw him (Rana) in a venom jacket?

First grade one-liners...

Girl: Some pirates have really long hair. I've seen pirates with long hair.

Me: He (Rana) looks like he has chicken pox!
Boy: He painted himself with red polka dotties!

Kindergarten one-liners...

Boy: If you color white that means you can't see it. What's white in Spanish? Oh wait, I know. It's blanco.

Boy: Miss Black, did you know I speak Arabic?

We had one additional kindergartener with us at dismissal time, she's not usually there so I don't have many one-on-one interactions with her...

Girl: Guess what? When I was in my bed, I dreamed that Rana came to my house.
Me: Really?
Girl: Yea, and he was running around saying, "Where are my sunglasses?" And he thought his sunglasses were his pants. And then at breakfast, do you know what he did? Instead of putting his cereal in the milk he put his foot in it.
Me: Oh that Rana sure is silly.
Girl: I know! I was like, you're not supposed to put your foot in it!

At dismissal I noticed a kindergarten boy I'll call M standing with his face pressed against the wall almost like he was dancing...

Me: M, what are you doing?
M: What do you think I'm doing?
Me: Well, it looks like you're dancing with the wall.
M: I'M NOT DANCING WITH THE WALL!
Me: Well that's what it looks like.
M: Whatever your boyfriend does, that's what I'm doing.
Me: Oh, you're doing whatever my boyfriend does? He doesn't do that.

March 7, 2013

I didn't post anything yesterday because we had a snow day (yay!). But here are today's quotes.

Decorating Rana's clothing in fifth grade...

Boy: Can I see that saco for a second?

Girl: I accidentally drew a hat that covers his eyes.
Me: Just make it one of those ski hats with the eye holes.
Girl: OK. I'm drawing a mouth hole, too.
Me: That way he's ready for winter or to rob a bank.
Girl: Yea...in style!

Dismissal with Kindergarteners...

Boy: How's your boy bed?
Me: Boy bed? I don't have one.
Boy: How's your boyfriend?
Me: He's good.
Boy: He smells like beef and cheese.

Girl: When's your birthday again, Miss Black?
Me: It's on Tuesday. March 12.
Girl: Mine's still on July 11. It's on time.
Me: Your birthday is still on time? Well, that's good.

March 5, 2013

This morning, I was in the fifth grade and we were working with Weather Frog (aka Rana). I realized that I had forgotten to teach the, the word for raincoat. So I taught them the word impermeable and then held up the raincoat for them to figure out what it meant. The thing you have to realize about Rana is that his raincoat lays on top of him. Rather than having a cut out space for his face, his raincoat just has his face in it. So it looks like a floating frog head wearing a yellow poncho. Without the backstory of Rana and his raincoat, this quote would seem odd...

Me: Aw, I forgot to teach you guys one more thing that Rana can wear! OK repite "impermeable".
Class: Impermeable
Me: And what is his impermeable? (As I show them the raincoat)
Boy: Baby sister!

Dismissal with the kindergarteners, and Miss Lash doesn't exist...

Boy: How's your boyfriend, Miss Lash?...Ahhhh! I called you Miss Lash! I mean how's your boyfriend, Miss Black?
Me: He's good. He's coming to see me tonight.
Boy: He smells like cheddar cheese and goofballs!
Me: Did you say goofballs?
Boy: No! I said he smells like cheddar cheese.
Me: Oh, well he doesn't. He's coming to see me tonight and on Sunday he's taking me to the aquarium to see penguins.
Girl 1: On Saturday I'm going to dance.
Girl 2: Who is this?
Me: My boyfriend. His name is Jerry.
Girl 2: Jerry? So he's a cartoon mouse?

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More From the High School Vault

Believe it or not, my elementary kids didn't say anything particularly memorable today! I even tried to provide them with awesome set-ups and I got nothing! So I've had to dip into quotes from my high school days.

During the 2010-2011 I had a particularly amusing student in my Spanish 1 class, let's call him "A". He had so many hilarious comments that I couldn't remember all of them...

Me: Well, I'm pretty bright.

A: Sometimes you're not. (I should point out that this kid was not involved in the conversation at all).

Me: Thanks, A.
A: Sometimes you are, and sometimes you aren't.
Kid: That's mean.
A: No one is bright all the time. Sometimes people aren't.
Me: Oh no, you can't change it to people now, you already said ME.
A: Well, we're all sinners. God says so.
Me: This conversation has taken a different turn.

A: You know Miss Black, if the Mexican army had had a flame thrower, they definitely would've beaten the French army.

Me: Well, they did win despite not having a flame thrower. That's why we celebrate Cinco de Mayo.
A: I know. Still...

A: What are you wearing?

Me: A shirt. (See photo)

A: You look like a pilgrim.

Me: Well, that's what I was going for.

Word got out that A used to rate people's swag, so one day 2 boys from another class made a point to come in and have their swag rated...

A: Alright, alright, you're pretty good man. I'd say you get a 9. Aw yea, boy...I'd say you're a 8.
Me: What about me?
A: You don't even know what swag is, Miss Black.
Me: Thanks, A.

Me: We're going to play Jeopardy in order to review for our final. And I do have fabulous prizes for the winning team.
A: Is is spaghetti?
Me: No, A. You always ask for spaghetti. Why would it ever be spaghetti?

A loved ninjas. When his English class was assigned to rewrite a scene from Romeo & Juliet in any style they wanted, no one was surprised when A decided to give his a ninja theme. One day I started to get on him for talking during class, but then I realized that he was reading an excerpt from the balcony scene and I couldn't interrupt that...

A: I wait in the bushes, like a ninja who is silent...

Did I mention that they were going to present and act out their scenes to their English class?...

A: Miss Black, do you want me to teach you how to make a ninja mask out of a t-shirt?
Me: A, I've never wanted anything more in my entire life.
So A quickly made a ninja mask and then stood at the front of the classroom as everyone came in.

I have since taught several people how to make impromtu ninja masks out of t-shirts. Here is a photo of my friend Ben, sporting a t-shirt ninja mask: