Happy Valentime's Day (as they say)

Holidays can be crazy in elementary schools. Kids are jacked up on sugar and all excited about their class parties and whatnot. I remember when I had a class of first graders right after their Christmas party; it was like dealing with a bunch of mean, angry drunks! If there had been bottles in the room, they would've broken them on the tables and lunged at each other.

Needless to say, I was nervous about Valentine's Day. I decided that I had to fight fire with fire and that the only way to handle them was to match my sugar intake to theirs. I've had a lot of sugar today...and now I'm ready to crash.

Serious accusations in the fifth grade...

Boy 1: Miss Black, he's being racist!
Boy 2: It's true! We all know that (insert Boy 1's name) is a wild animal!
Boy 1: I take all (insert Boy 1's name) jokes as racist.

A third grade student's solution when two classmates are arguing during a game...

Boy: They need to go on Judge Judy. They gots problems. So go on, call her.
Me: Well, I don't have her number.

Holiday confusion in the second grade...

Girl: Mewwy Chwismas Miss Senorita Black!
Me: Merry Christmas? Not quite...
Girl: Happy Valentine's Day!

I would freak out if I saw a puppy! -Kindergarten Girl

Apparently, halitosis and dilemma were both vocabulary words for the fourth grade at one point...

*A fourth grade teacher walks back into her room carrying a toothbrush and toothpaste*
Boy 1: Did you just brush your teeth?
Her: I did, I had bad breath.
Boy 1: Did you have halitosis?
Her: Yes, I had a dilemma and it was halitosis.
Boy 2: I have a halitosis and it's reading.
Me: Your halitosis is reading?
Boy 2: I mean my dilemma is reading.

December 14, 2012     Quite a day in the fourth grade...

Boy (Jay-Z): One of your arms looks skinnier than the other.
Me: Well, that's because it probably is a tiny bit skinnier.
Boy: And right here (vigorously shakes my upper arm) is very jiggly.
Me: I know. Could you maybe stop shaking it?

Me: Remember, your parents have to help you put the candles in your luminaria bags. I don't want to see your house on the news because your Spanish project started a fire.
Girl: I burnt down a trailer once. From smoking.

October 22, 2012

5th Grader: Miss Black, I'm done with my crossword puzzle.
Me: Awesomesauce.
Him: What?
Me: Awesomesauce.
Him: Is that like hot sauce?
Me: Yea, except it's more awesome.

Things that kindergarteners consider to be really good offerings to put on a Day of the Dead altar...

• Diamonds
• Cat
• Balloons
• Ghost
• Spooky things
• Root beer (the same kid said this at least three times)
• Something with the dead person's favorite letter
• Counting beans
• Favorite picture frame (no mention of the picture, just the frame)